The Most Absurd Disco Cover Songs of All Time

By the time disco was running full steam in the late 70's, the rush to cash in on the disco craze was so compelling that some rock artists jumped on the bandwagon, much to the dismay of their fans, notably Rod Stewart ("Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?"), Kiss ("I Was Born For Loving You") and even the Electric Light Orchestra ("Shine A Little Light").

In the pursuit of the almighty dollar, disco actually turned its eyes to the classics. No, I don't mean Chopin (he was exploited for Donna Summers' "Could It Be Magic") or Beethoven (Walter Murphy got him with "A Fifth Of Beethoven").

I mean classic rock and folk songs from the 60's and 70's that didn't sound remotely like they should be played in a discotheque and probably should have been left just the way they are.

Disco turned the tables -- literally and figuratively -- on rock and roll.

There has been no musical category too sacred for a disco makeover. Some covers made perfectly logical sense because they were already rhythmic and soulful, like Bonnie Pointer's take on the obscure Motown tune "Heaven Must Have Sent You," Angela Clemmons' straightforward handclapping re-do of the Chairmen of the Board's "Give Me Just A Little More Time," and Donna Summer's synthesized epic "MacArthur's Park Suite."

However, the whole trend moved into the absurd when record executives and producers had the bright idea that the rock, folk and Broadway musical catalogs had to be raided, spiffed up with a 4/4 bass drum, 8th-note high hats, bouncy strings, hand claps, and oh, jacked up to about 125 beats per minute. Many songs were not meant for this destiny, but clearly destiny be damned! And that's what this post is about.

Remember the audience for the pseudo-musical "Springtime for Hitler" on opening night in "The Producers," jaws agape, eyes wide open in disbelief. You know what you are seeing and hearing is so bad, you can't decide if it's really awful or you just want to laugh at the whole thing and pretend it's a joke. You may have the same reaction when you hear and see these heretical disco genre twists.

Yes, here are the 10 most hard to believe songs that somehow found themselves converted into disco hits. You will see another recurring theme here -- the magical year of 1979, when the genre seemed to peak with insanity.

1) Viola Wills -- "If You Could Read My Mind" (1981): Gordon Lightfoot's 1970 slow sensitive breakthrough folk hit about his devastating divorce gets completely overhauled for the dance floor. The sadness of Lightfoot's fallen-apart relationship? Tossed out! Here's Viola Willis on "Solid Gold" with several women finely choreographed in sparkling gold spandex outfit belting out about that sad breakup. P.S. Not satisfied with desecrating one 70's Canadian folk artist, Wills released a disco version of Joni Mitchell's "Both Sides Now" too.


2) Rosebud -- "Have A Cigar" (1977): Only a mere two years after Pink Floyd released their prog-rock tribute to drugged-out former bandmate Syd Barrett, Wish You Were Here, Warner Brothers released a 12" single from an anonymous studio band covering Roger Waters' song about, cough, the greed and hypocrisy of the record business. The song kind of takes on a whole new meaning when a funky slap bass and pounding cowbell accompany a couple of unknown singers belting out repeatedly in a rather quantized fashion: "Come in here, dear boy, have a cigar, you're gonna go far (go far-r-r-r-r!), a-ha!"


3) The Raes -- "School" (1979): Continuing the disco-izing of famous 70's prog-rock songs, this Toronto couple took on the opening song of Supertramp's Crime of the Century album. Like Pink Floyd, Supertramp seems have had some traumatic experiences in early UK education and paint a picture of a scared kid being poked around by his parents, friends and teachers. The Raes' version rethinks the song as a duet, where they take that tagline of "He's coming along!" and shout it along with some big cop show horn riffs.


4) Linda Clifford -- "Bridge Over Trouble Water" (1979): Nobody minded when Aretha Franklin made this song into a deep gospel take on Simon & Garfunkel's Grammy Award winning song about companionship even in the worst of times. After all, she was the queen of soul and she could sing the phone book and move the world. On the other hand, I don't think anybody expected this epic tune to feature background singers flittering: "Gonna be a bridge!" And if that point wasn't driven home clearly, here's Linda Clifford, a vision in red while dancing over the Williamsburgh Bridge, belting it out for all the cars driving by and perhaps a jumper who couldn't not believe what they were hearing. Note the jogger running past her at the 1:15 mark!


5) Elton John -- "Johnny B. Goode" (1979): Even the greats make their mistakes. John's career was at its nadir when he released his official disco album Victim of Love, produced by Giogio Moroder partner Pete Bellotte. I bet you didn't even know this album existed! Hoping to capture some of the stardust Bellotte gave Donna Summer, John opened this travesty with an ill-conceived eight minute disco rendition of Chuck Berry's rock and roll classic. Don't choke when you see Elton lip synch the single on TV here. Just keep thinking: "He went on to write 'Little Jeannie' the next year, thank God."


6) The Wonder Band -- "Whole Lotta Love" (1979): Even sacred hard rock bangers Led Zeppelin was not safe from the usual anonymous studio band treatment on this headbanging classic from their album, Stairway to Love. Speeding up that slow throbbing beat, the immortal guitar riff is short and clipped while those singers get their lines in over the hot congas: "You need coo-o-o-olin'! Baby, I'm not foo-o-o-o-lin'!"


7) Amii Stewart -- "Light My Fire" (1979): Making over Eddie Floyd's old Stax hit "Knock On Wood" is Stewart's claim to fame, but she found the time to follow the Donna Summer playbook for The Doors' breakthrough rock classic -- start nice and slow, and then rev up the beat and hold that note on "fi-i-i-i-ire" forever on the tempo transition. Stewart's costume and Egyptian-like dance moves (which clearly seems to have influenced Madonna later on) make this video clip a mesmerizing relic.



8) Sheila & B. Devotion -- "Singing In The Rain" (1977): Words fail me. I'll let the video say it all. A complete 6-minute choreographed routine that easily rivals the "Satan's Alley" finale of the film "Staying Alive."


9) Chilly -- "For Your Love" (1978): Lots of cheesy psychedelic camera visuals... and laughs galore from a group that looks like the cast of "Hair" annihilating the Yardbirds classic.


10) Ethel Merman -- "There's No Business Like Show Business" (1979):This may take the cake. Broadway warhorse with super lungs Ethel Merman was 71 years old when she recorded an entire album of show tune disco remakes, many of them of her own signature properties. I'll spare you "Everything's Coming Up Roses" for this surreal version of the "Gypsy" show stopper.


OTHER "PRIZE WINNERS":

Witch Queen -- "All Right Now," originally performed by Free
Witch Queen -- "Bang A Gong (Get It On)," originally performed by T. Rex
Salazar -- "Let's Hang On," originally performed by Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons
Salazar -- "1-2-3," originally performed by Len Barry
Vicki Sue Robinson -- "To Sir With Love," originally performed by Lulu


3 SONGS THAT WOULD MAKE GREAT DISCO COVERS:
(I don't think anybody would mind if somebody redid these as disco songs if they were done well)

"I've Got The Music In Me," originally performed by Kiki Dee
"Gimme Gimme Good Lovin'," originally performed by Crazy Elephant
"Na, Na, Hey, Hey (Kiss Him Goodbye)," originally performed by Steam

The Recession Playlist 2008

If you're going to be out of work, out of money, unable to pay the rent, flipping out at food prices, cutting coupons, searching for sales, pinching for pennies, suffering service outages, scraping to get by, begging for a job, borrowing cash, and standing on the dole line, you may as well sing and dance about it.

With kudos to my friend Andrew Pendrill, here's our Recession Playlist, in no particular order:


Clarence "Frogman" Henry - "Ain't Got No Home": Straight from the city of New Orleans, this was a rousing 1956 blues number later covered by The Band. You can hear the song on the soundtrack to the film "Diner." According to Wikipedia, Henry opened up 18 North American concerts for the Beatles in 1964.


The O'Jay's - "For The Love Of Money": Philly Soul's famous ode to greed, driven by a funky major 7th bass riff which is up front and center the whole song long. Lots of flanger effects, ghostly voices, a trilling trumpet and the three O'Jay's repetitively singing: "Money, money, money, money... MONEY!"


The Kinks - "Low Budget": Brilliantly timed 1979 rock singalong from Ray Davies and the boys when the country was in a recession. "Cheap is small and not too steep/But best of all, cheap is cheap/Circumstance has forced my hand/To be a cut-price person in a low budget land."


ZZ Top - "Cheap Sunglasses": That lil' ol' band from Texas gets down and dirty with a bluesy tribute to inexpensive eyewear. From the album Deguello, this was the first time they used a keyboard in a hit song, in this case, a gritty rough electric piano.


REM - "Everybody Hurts": Something of a modern classic, lead singer Michael Stipe aches along with this ballad that basically says you're not alone, we're all suffering. "Sometimes everything is wrong/Now's the time to sing along" is a worthwhile philosophy we can all live by now.


Gwen Guthrie - "Ain't Nothin' Goin' On But The Rent": Late 80's disco diva wailing about "bill collectors at my door" so "what can you do for me?" Not your typical sugar daddy request, but a man to help her pay the rent and perhaps in return, they'll get something in return. She makes it pretty clear that there's "no romance without finance!"


Johnny Rivers - "The Poor Side of Town": Moving rock and roll aside for a soulful ballad, Rivers took out the twangy guitar to tell his girl that the rich guy she'd been dating was using her as a "plaything." His best line is "Girl, it's hard to find nice things/On the poor side of town."


ABC - "How To Be A Millionaire": Leave it to singer Martin Fry, the man who gave us the witty New Wave hits "Poison Arrow" and "The Look of Love," to open up this 1985 dancer with "I've seen the future/I can't afford it/To tell the truth, sir/Someone just bought it." Like the Guthrie song, you can dance as a poor person and hope somebody, or at least fate, can deal you some extra cash.

ABC - How To Be A Millionaire
Uploaded by ABC

BB King's "Help The Poor": A blues classic from the great Gibson guitarist. Former LA Express guitarist Robben Ford did a terrific cover on his first Warner Brothers solo album, and then King joined Clapton for a version on their duet album. Is the singer looking for monetary charity or lopve from a girl gone away: "Help the poor/Won't you help poor me?/I need help from you, baby/I need it desperately."


The Beatles - "Money (That's What I Want)": A late 50's hit by Barrett Strong and co-written by Motown founder Berry Gordy, this searing rocker has been covered by the Fab Four, the Flying Lizards and even Josie and the Pussycats! That's doesn't make its sentiment any less serious. "The best things in life are free/But you can keep'em for the birds and bees!"


Chuck Brown & The Soul Searchers - "We Need Some Money": Eight minutes of solid thumping go-go beat, right out of our nation's capital. With overabundant percussion, funky horns and glitchy analog synths, Brown updates the Gordy song sentiments and there's no holding back: "I'm gonna lay it right on the line/A dollar bill is a friend of mine/We need money!"

Nobody Does It Better: The James Bond Theme Songs From Best to Worst

AS HEARD ON NPR'S "ALL THINGS CONSIDERED"

With "Quantum of Solace" opening this weekend, this is a timely opportunity to evaluate all the James Bond theme songs from best to worst.

Performing the title song to a James Bond movie used to be a musician's badge of honor, and many of them became hits. However, starting with the film "License to Kill" in 1989, not only did the hits dry up, the songs almost uniformly stunk. Yes, the opening credit visuals that accompanied them were still stunning and the movies they went with were almost always excellent. But that musical badge of honor didn't mean anything if they didn't deliver the goods.

The James Bond franchise is very special, but certainly one of the main contributing elements has been the music. Never has there ever been such a long series of films so closely aligned with the style and output of one composer, the brilliant John Barry. The producers lucked out with the English jazz trumpeter and orchestrator, who had such an individual style, emphasizing big brass stabs, swinging jazzy chops, and a penchant for blending major and minor chords for stark effect over three decades.

Most of Barry's theme songs (which he co-wrote with different lyricists) were either big sassy numbers like "Goldfinger" and "Thunderball" that became stylistically dated as the 70's rolled on, or straight-ahead pop ballads like "You Only Live Twice" and "We Have All The Time In The World." He collaborated with rock artists on two theme songs, imparting his signature brass hits on "A View To A Kill" and "The Living Daylights," although the Pretenders did two very cool numbers on the latter soundtrack, which flew under everybody's radar. Three of Barry's theme songs were sung by histrionic Welsh belter Shirley Bassey: "Goldfinger," "Diamonds Are Forever" and "Moonraker." Most Bond title songs have never "rocked."

Barry pioneered the use of signature themes in all his Bond scores, long before John Williams did the same for all the Star Wars and Indiana Jones flicks. The surf guitar of "The James Bond Theme" is as instantly recognizable as the Coke logo. That minor chord pattern in the same theme was dipped into a number of his future scores and songs, and ripped off blatantly for the guitar lick in Johnny Rivers' "Secret Agent Man."

Three times during the Sean Connery/Roger Moore/Timothy Dalton era, the Bond assignment went to different composers and two of those title songs were smashes too. Famous producer George Martin scored "Live and Let Die" so it was inevitable that Paul McCartney did those opening honors, while Bill Conti (best known for the "Rocky" theme) did "For Your Eyes Only." When they hired 80's hitmakers Narada Michael Walden, Jeffrey Cohen and Walter Afanasieff for the "License To Kill" theme song, it understandably bombed along with its pedestrian Michael Kamen score, beginning a still-standing dearth of title song hits.

What makes a good James Bond song, as opposed to just any other song? It has to be seductive, with the sort of "spy"-type arrangements and chords that acid jazz musicians have appreciated for years. Some bombast falling just short of annoying. Lyrically containing those existential "live" and "die" themes that preoccupy the movie titles themselves. Honoring the John Barry tradition of jazzy horn stabs would be admirable.

I've heard the Alicia Keys/Jack White duet "Another Way To Die" from the new film. It has a few of the Bond song trademarks -- darting horns, deep mysterious piano notes, and the word "die" in the title. However, there's a lot of semi-rapping and shouting, not much melody at all, and it takes over 40 seconds to get started. I'll take a pass on this one, unfortunately.

People are always arguing over and listing their favorite James Bond movie, actors, villains and stunts. But I don't recall a ranking of those nearly two dozen theme songs, so here's my totally opinionated evaluation, from worst to best, with links to each title sequence.

20. "Die Another Day" performed by Madonna: A plum assignment handed to the globally famous musical chameleon and she blew it big time. Released the year before her inferior "American Life" album, Madonna foresakes the memorable dance beats of her "Ray of Light" hit for jagged samples and a forgotten thrown together mess. So much for banking on what the producers were hoping would be a sure thing. Totally ridiculous S&M inquisition video too.



19. "License To Kill" performed by Gladys Knight: Sampling the horn hook from "Goldfinger" (and paying the original composers the royalties too), the songwriting team behind 80's Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, Aretha Franklin and Starship hits forces poor Motown great Glady Knight to grumble in a low register and spend a lot of time groaning "Uh-huh" and "license to kill!"





18. "The Man With The Golden Gun" performed by Lulu: The corniest title song ever composed by John Barry matched this equally silly film. Sample awful lyric: "His eye may be on you or me/Who will he bang?/We shall see!" Somebody dragged obscure English 60's pop sonstress Lulu out of the mothballs in 1974 to sing this one. Not worthy of John Barry stature by any means. The Alice Cooper song of the same name was far better.



17. "The World Is Not Enough" performed by Garbage: Current Bond score composer David Arnold has yet to create a good title song to this day. Trying to turn Garbage lead singer Shirley Manson into a chantreuse was a huge mistake and this sounds nothing like the crunchy grungy rock of Garbage. This is a very ordinary song, far from the standards of what a Bond title tune should be.



16. "Tomorrow Never Dies" performed by Sheryl Crow: One would have hoped this could have been a rocking Bond theme song with Crow in place, much like what I anticipated from Garbage. Instead, Crow rolls out an unmelodic swaying ballad which just comes and goes with no notice, much like "The World Is Not Enough."




15. "Moonraker" performed by Shirley Bassey: Coming on the heels of Carly Simon's enormous 70's contemporary pop hit of "Nobody Does It Better," pulling Bassey out for one last glitzy over the top rendition felt like the franchise took one step backwards. While the song was bonafide John Barry, with those delicately placed strings and his trademark major-minor chord transitions, it was not one of his best and too Las Vegas-y to make it up the charts.

14. "You Know My Name" performed by Chris Cornell: Finally getting close to the mark, new Bond score composer David Arnold joined forces with great rock baritone Cornell for something that sounds, well, James Bond-ish. Charging distorted guitars, rising strings, a pounding sense of desperation, and a real rock song melody. Appropriate that it appears in the film series' recent return to old school form.



13. "For Your Eyes Only" performed by Sheena Easton: Notable for being the only Bond title song where the artist actually appeared in the opening credits, "For Your Eyes Only" was a nice smooth pop ballad with a good hook and a babe on the vocals. Very synthetic and perfect production values.



12. "Goldeneye" performed by Tina Turner: Many surprises here. Turner was made for singing a Bond title song and it's a revelation that it took until 17 movies for somebody to come up with that idea. Give all the credit to writers U2's Bono and The Edge, along with urban producer Nellee Hooper, who created all the earmarks of danger and mystery: finger snaps, a bursting brass riff, a choppy rimshot-driven drum loop, and low pizaccato strings evolving to the romantic undertones that had been missing for so long.



11. "All Time High" performed by Rita Coolidge: Thankfully not using the title "Octopussy" anywhere in it, Barry swung for the adult contemporary radio format fences and got himself a huge hit. You know it's Barry by the giveaway string arrangements. This was Coolidge's last chart-topper, as it came at the end of a run of successful soft rock covers ("We're All Alone" and "Higher and Higher").



10. "Diamonds Are Forever" performed by Shirley Bassey: For Sean Connery's last Bond venture, Barry put a little more swing into Bassey's bellowing ("Diamonds are forever, forever, forever"), some blatant sexual innuendo ("Hold one up and then caress it/Touch it, stroke it and undress it"), a dose of guitar wah wah, and plenty of seductiveness.




9. "Live and Let Die" performed by Paul McCartney & Wings: A truly bizarre song for the Bond genre, employing McCartney's tried-and-true "three songs in one" gimmick (see: "Band On The Run," "Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey"). The lyrics are utter nonsense, and there's much ado going on with big orchestra runs with chase scene riffs, with that dramatic unexpected minor chord ending.


8. "Nobody Does It Better" performed by Carly Simon: A perfect 70's hitmaking machine behind this huge pop hit -- composer Marvin Hamlisch and lyricist Carole Bayer Sager, cranking out a fluffy concoction that transcended the Bond movie into a popular catch phrase of the era.







7. "From Russia With Love" performed by Matt Munro: There's something truly Rat Pack-ish about this song, as you can almost picture Sinatra belting this one out in a nightclub. With Lionel Bart's dashing playboy lyrics ("From Russia with love/I fly to you/Much wiser since my goodbye to you/I've travelled the world to learn/I must return/From Russia with love") and the Slavic tack piano effects, this was the series' "Strangers In The Night."




6. "A View To A Kill" performed by Duran Duran: This is the first Bond song that actually "rocked" and did it very successfully. The New Wave stars collaborated with Barry on a horn-hit filled 80's-styled danceable rock tune with those immortal words: "Dance into the fire/The fatal kiss is all we need!" Crunching heavily-compressed power guitar chords and funky little Strat licks, those immortal Bond minor chords simmering underneath, Duran Duran and Barry's joint venture still sounds well today, especially to 80's nostalgia fiends.


5. "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" performed by The John Barry Orchestra: The title theme of a movie full of "only's" -- the only film to star George Lazenby as James Bond, the only film directed by renowned editor Peter Hunt, and the only film to have an instrumental title sequence. If you thought the James Bond theme itself was wicked, this came in a very close second. Oozing cool, Barry's composition sounds like the best action chase music from the late 60's, building horns, changing keys, and a fuzzy harpsicord-sounding Moog synthesizer running down the twisting baseline.


4. "Thunderball" performed by Tom Jones: The Welsh singing god of the 60's rips his shirt open once more in this bombastic ode to the man who "runs while others walk." Surrounded by a maximum horn riff as beguiling as the one Barry created for "Goldfinger," I can always picture the silhouetted female scuba divers from this film's credit sequence. You've got to hand it to Mr. Jones when he used every ounce of air in his lungs when he explodes with that last "Thun-der-bal-l-l-l!"


3. "The Living Daylights" performed by a-ha: I have great love for this song which went nowhere in the US but of course was a huge European hit. The Norweigian synth pop group collaborated with Barry, like Duran Duran, and produced the sleeper of the whole bunch. As I wrote back on this blog in December 2007: "a truly compelling title song, with tricky key changes, wide open production, a veritable mix of dark Europop and John Barry snazz... Heavily treated electric guitars, hard acoustic guitar strums at emphatic parts, galloping drums with suddenly building snares, twinkling synths, a distorted sax solo, and the falsettos and harmonies of the group itself. John Barry comes in loud and clear with his trademark brassy blasts during the intro and the chorus. Listen for the in-time horseshoes when the song settles in about halfway through before that dirty sax solo."


2. "Goldfinger" performed by Shirley Bassey: The flagship Bond song -- huge, pompous, and mysterious. The blueprint for all future lyricists assigned to focus on a villian as their subject. Parodied and worshipped, Barry's masterwork came in the third Bond film, where he was allowed to step out for the score from beginning to end. Where did he come up those chords for the words "Goldfinger" -- an F major leading to a D flat? Hats off to lyricists Anthony Newley and Lesley Bricusse for coming up with the phrase that he had such a "cold finger." My God.



1. "You Only Live Twice" performed by Nancy Sinatra: This movie and song had a profound effect on me in 1967, as it was the first Bond film I saw in a theater, in this case, the Green Acres Theater in Valley Stream, Long Island. The combination of Sean Connery machine gunning around in that flying Little Nellie, bodies flying through the air from explosions inside the empty volcano crater, exotic Japanese women, and spaceships eating other spaceships was mesmerizing. But that song -- Nancy Sinatra's sexy voice mysteriously floating through the classic Barry melody, with those endless major/minor chord switches, the downward cascading strings, and the Asian influenced xylophone notes, accompanying the literal explosions of chrysanthemum color of the Maurice Binder-designed credits. I never get tired of this song and I knew I was justified when I heard Coldplay perform it live on the b-side of a CD single I bought in the UK several years ago.


SPECIAL MENTIONS

Although these songs were not the "title" theme songs, they were prominently featured on the soundtracks and I consider them very worthy and prime additions to the Bond genre.

• "We Have All The Time In The World" performed by Louis Armstrong: The very last performance from the great jazz trumpeter, the song has great simplicity and poignancy that reflects the ironic jarring ending of "On Her Majesty's Secret Service." Armstrong enunciates every syllable delicately while Barry's swirling strings hit you right in the gut.

• "Where Has Everybody Gone?" and "If There Was A Man" performed by The Pretenders: These are two treats on soundtrack of "The Living Daylights," true collaborations between Chrissy Hynde and John Barry. The former is a snarling Bond-ish rocker with mocking open trumpets and switchblade guitar work, while the latter is one of the most beautiful ballads ever to appear in a 007 movie.